Friday, December 18, 2009

On the Death of Family

My great-grandma passed away today. It's funny, you'd think I should be sad, but most of what I feel is relief. She's been ready to go for so long, and she's been in so much pain for the past months, I think it was time. We knew she wouldn't last long after this last stroke, but I hate to think what this is going to do to everyone else in my family. My grandma has been the primary caretaker for my grandparents for so long, I don't know if she'll know what to do now. Great-Grandpa isn't gone yet, but he soon will be. They been married for over seventy years. I don't think they know how to function without each other. I know they don't. Soon we'll have another funeral to plan.
It seems to me that it shouldn't be that way. We shouldn't hope that a family member will die to put them out of their misery. But sometimes, that's the only thing we can do for them. I'm sad that it's happened, but I think it's better that they go when life no longer holds any joy. They've lived fully, and now there's not much left for them but to grow old and have to be watched over constantly like small children. It's better, but that doesn't make it easier for those of us left behind.
I was never close to them, there was too much difference in us for that, but I knew them better than my other cousins who lived too far away to see them. It's enough that I spent some time with them, I think. I think they understand, and that they'll watch out for us. They'll visit those they haven't seen for a while, check up on them, make sure their okay. I believe that those who have moved on sometimes stay close by to watch over us, guard us, warn us of trouble and the choices we're making. They offer comfort and support, even when we don't know they're there. In my heart, I feel it's true, because I can feel their love surrounding me, holding me safe. And I know I'll see them again someday.

During the space between then and now, I should become the best that I can.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Depression, Guys, and All-Around YUCK

Oy. So I got an extension on my speech class. The problem? I still have to do it. Gosh darn required classes make my life a misery, in more ways than one. I'm also (mostly) suffering through Calculus, Chemistry, Government, and Economics. Fuuuun. Economics is easy and all that, and I understand why we take it, but that doesn't mean I like it. It makes it boring, which is definitely not good.
I guess I should probably explain why I'm in a bad mood right now. The fact is, what's really bothering me is that Saturday I met this awesome guy and we had this really long conversation about everything... except our names. I only know where he's from, and I'm afraid I might even have that wrong. See, one of my friends used to live in the same town, and I tried finding out who he is using her connections, but it didn't work too well. So I have this guy that I could totally fall for, but I can't find him. It's like Cinderella with the roles switched and no shoe. So that has me kind of depressed, plus I still have three units in my speech class, including the last speech that I can't seem to get into, and added in I have homework pretty much every night, it's homecoming, and I have no date to the dance and no guy on my mind (that I can get in touch with) to console me. Plus the guy that I've liked for who knows how long has showed his true colors and I'm finally giving up the ghost on that faint hope.
It makes me wonder, you know? What is it about me that's such total anathema to guys? I mean good guys, the ones I like and would actually date. It's been like this for as long as I can remember, and I can't see any sign of stopping anytime soon. My mom won't stop talking about my speech long enough for me to figure out a new topic, either, which isn't helping AT ALL. I just don't know what to do. I'm not sure how to get past this so that I can do all the things that I need to do. Mostly, I just wanna find him and see if he felt the same thing I did. I wanna know if there could be something there.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Melancholy and Feeling Torn

So... I don't really know what to talk about. My computer hates me, even after we tried to fix things, my brother is almost-not-quite engaged, and I'm gonna be a freaking senior this year! Yikes!

I guess I've just been feeling a bit melancholy for the past few days. Okay, so it started yesterday at Ben (Little Ben that's married to Brekke)'s baptism, where all the kids my age were... well, either people I wouldn't have anything to talk about with or talking to the afore mentioned people. Sad. So, I feel lonely. Of course. You know me, I hate feeling like an odd man out, so I leave. Only it effected my mood for pretty much the rest of the day. And then today, Pioneer Day, most of my friends were on floats. Yep. And the one person I was really glad to see... Came and went, and then left. Yeah. That felt great. We had some pretty funny convos, though... Anyway, so it got better today, once I met up with Amy and we got everybody together, but then Josh and Crystal and Thomas showed up. I started feeling torn, because I was standing between the two groups: Josh, Crystal, and Thomas, and Katherine, Amber, and Amy. They didn't really seem able to mix. It's kind of hard, realizing that you've grown away from certain friend. I'd listen to one conversation for a while and turn back and not know what anyone on the other side was talking about. Why do I have to compartmentalize my life? Couldn't it just be hodge-podge like my room? Jeez. I wish there was some way to bring them all together... But that might not be possible.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Can the world stop turning?

I ask because summer is just going way too fast. I mean, seriously, it's already July! I went to Girl's Camp, had a blast, had fun with my cousin Camilla, rode in the Aberdeen Daze parade, bought an awesome shirt and a dress at the Villager, started my online classes, tutor someone and get paid, and now my first speech is this week and I'm going to Minnesota to see those cousins and other extended family members. It's crazy! Though I'm really excited to go. We're going to the Mall of America, which means shopping! I have $50 to spend, and I'm probably going to spend it all. I know, who'd have thought I could be such a girl? Did you know I even have real makeup that I could wear anywhere instead of just stage makeup? Yeah, exactly. Sometimes I'm not quite sure I know myself anymore, and others it feels like I'm just starting to find out. I know that it's just typical teenage stuff, but it's different when it's you. Everything's different. I've also come to realize why I haven't said anything to the guy I like. It's not the right time. I don't need to date, not really. Sure, sometimes I wish there was some guy I could run to and he'd make everything better, but I can take anything because I have my friends and family. I don't need a boyfriend. And having one would probably be a bad idea. *shrug* I'll just figure it out as I go.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009


Okay, so I just got back from HOBY Idaho Sunday night. I was there as a Junior Staffer, becasue I was an Ambassador last year. I just--Whenever I go to HOBY I remember what I want out of life. I always learn something new (or I have so far, and I plan to go back for as long as possible), and each time it changes my life a little more. Even just looking at the differences in my group of Ambassadors and this year's is AMAZING. My year was really serious and we talked about all kinds of serious stuff, including personal stuff that really had notyhing to do with HOBY or what we were learning, but helped us understand each other and become a very close-knit group. This year was still pretty close, but they joked alot more and it was a lot easier for me to have the amount of energy it took to be a leader for them.

And I think that's what made this year so special. I was the only one from my group, including my senior staffer, that had ever been to HOBY before, and so I had to lead them and kind of show them what they were supposed to do. They taught me so much, all of them. I can only hope that I taught them a fraction of how much they taught me.