On the Death of Family

My great-grandma passed away today. It's funny, you'd think I should be sad, but most of what I feel is relief. She's been ready to go for so long, and she's been in so much pain for the past months, I think it was time. We knew she wouldn't last long after this last stroke, but I hate to think what this is going to do to everyone else in my family. My grandma has been the primary caretaker for my grandparents for so long, I don't know if she'll know what to do now. Great-Grandpa isn't gone yet, but he soon will be. They been married for over seventy years. I don't think they know how to function without each other. I know they don't. Soon we'll have another funeral to plan.

It seems to me that it shouldn't be that way. We shouldn't hope that a family member will die to put them out of their misery. But sometimes, that's the only thing we can do for them. I'm sad that it's happened, but I think it's better that they go when life no longer holds any joy. They've lived fully, and now there's not much left for them but to grow old and have to be watched over constantly like small children. It's better, but that doesn't make it easier for those of us left behind.

I was never close to them, there was too much difference in us for that, but I knew them better than my other cousins who lived too far away to see them. It's enough that I spent some time with them, I think. I think they understand, and that they'll watch out for us. They'll visit those they haven't seen for a while, check up on them, make sure their okay. I believe that those who have moved on sometimes stay close by to watch over us, guard us, warn us of trouble and the choices we're making. They offer comfort and support, even when we don't know they're there. In my heart, I feel it's true, because I can feel their love surrounding me, holding me safe. And I know I'll see them again someday.

During the space between then and now, I should become the best that I can.

Depression, Guys, and All-Around YUCK

Oy. So I got an extension on my speech class. The problem? I still have to do it. Gosh darn required classes make my life a misery, in more ways than one. I'm also (mostly) suffering through Calculus, Chemistry, Government, and Economics. Fuuuun. Economics is easy and all that, and I understand why we take it, but that doesn't mean I like it. It makes it boring, which is definitely not good.
I guess I should probably explain why I'm in a bad mood right now. The fact is, what's really bothering me is that Saturday I met this awesome guy and we had this really long conversation about everything... except our names. I only know where he's from, and I'm afraid I might even have that wrong. See, one of my friends used to live in the same town, and I tried finding out who he is using her connections, but it didn't work too well. So I have this guy that I could totally fall for, but I can't find him. It's like Cinderella with the roles switched and no shoe. So that has me kind of depressed, plus I still have three units in my speech class, including the last speech that I can't seem to get into, and added in I have homework pretty much every night, it's homecoming, and I have no date to the dance and no guy on my mind (that I can get in touch with) to console me. Plus the guy that I've liked for who knows how long has showed his true colors and I'm finally giving up the ghost on that faint hope.
It makes me wonder, you know? What is it about me that's such total anathema to guys? I mean good guys, the ones I like and would actually date. It's been like this for as long as I can remember, and I can't see any sign of stopping anytime soon. My mom won't stop talking about my speech long enough for me to figure out a new topic, either, which isn't helping AT ALL. I just don't know what to do. I'm not sure how to get past this so that I can do all the things that I need to do. Mostly, I just wanna find him and see if he felt the same thing I did. I wanna know if there could be something there.