Daily Blog 5 9/23/18

Today was great, but also tiring. I've been around a lot of people this weekend and I'm really not used to it anymore. I do miss seeing everyone, but I'm not sure it's enough to make me want to drive so I can see them more often. Driving means paying for a car and gas...

It's also hard to see all my close friends moving on to this next stage in life while I'm still here, trying to figure out what to do with my life since I'm not on the "normal" path of marriage and babies. It's difficult to remember that outside Mormon culture it's normal not to get married until after 30. Inside Mormon culture, people often judge a woman who isn't married by about 24 or 25. Though they don't judge men as much. It's like if a woman isn't married by then she's got to be defective, but of a man isn't he's just making sure he's ready to take care of a family. How is that fair? It hurts to know no one wants to date me, I don't need others to criticize me for it.

I guess it just hurts more because a guy I have a crush on was over tonight talking to Roommate 1 (I think she was giving him a haircut?) and he said he doesn't want to date in his ward. So that means he'll probably never see me in that way. Which is fine, but I don't meet new guys that often, let alone being able to actually talk to them. So I kind of feel like my chances are gone.

Which means I guess I need to focus on my writing. I can at least get something in my life on track and going for me.

Daily Blog 4 9/22/18

I slept a lot. Went to sleep at 10, woke up at 5 and then 7.  Roommate 2 and Salem(the cat) were awake, so we sat out in the living room to introvert socialize. Meaning we laid on the couches and played on our phones, lol. Eventually we decided to wake up Roommate 1 by putting the cat in her room because she can sleep through almost anything. But then Roommate 2 felt bad, so she went to get the car and found Roommate 1 awake.

Then the three of us watched random SortedFood videos on YouTube because that's what I had up (and they're super funny, go check them out if you like food shows). Eventually I got up and got dressed, then packed because I was planning to spend the night in Brigham City. Then I had to remind the others what time it was so they would get ready, since we were taking Roommate 2 to dim sum for her birthday.

It was sooooogooe good. If you've never had dim sum, find a place because it's great. We ate faster than I thought, so I didn't need to worry as much as I did-we had time to sit around before SV got there. She is super great, because she's generally willing to carpool with me since I don't drive. From there we went to Former Roommate's baby shower, which was fine. Loud and over crowded, but some of them were my people.

After we just hung out until most of us went to another friend's wedding reception in Farmington. We were there so late... and we compounded that by going to Pretzel Maker after.

In other words, we got to Brigham really late, and stayed up later because Kaylee is here, and I don't see her very often.

Daily Blog 3 9/21/18

GC was once again gone. I though he might be, so I just started prepping for tasks I knew I'd get asked to do later. It was really nice to feel useful today, but to also know what I was doing. I actually took over one of GC's tasks for the day, and that was also pretty easy. I found myself thinking I could probably do his job if I ever needed to.

Other than that, it was a normal day. Grocery shopping with Roommate 2, pizza for dinner and Kakuriyo. I finally caught up and I'm a bit upset that it was a bit of a cliffhanger. Literally, they're going into a painting of a mountain... (Episode 23).

I'm worried about roommate 2 and her friend. He's made it clear that he wants to date her, and she keeps saying no. He's not pushing, but I just don't trust him not to try to change her mind. Am I being paranoid? I know I can be. But it also feels like they're straddling a weird line between dating and not dating where they don't go on dates, but he comes over several times a week for hours and buys her food. Doesn't that sound like dating? I'll talk to her tomorrow.

Daily Blog 2

Gosh, I hope my trainer takes me off the leash today. I don't mind being on training wheels, but coming into work just to search for something to do is frustrating. It makes me want to stay home so at least I don't feel like I'm getting paid unfairly.

8:31-GC still isn't here. He's usually here by 7/7:30. Wonder if they'll have me do stuff again if he doesn't show. Wonder if they'll ask me to do his job/part of my old job if he quits. Is it bad that part of me hopes he quits, just to stick it to them? After all, I wouldn't have applied for new job if BB and FB hadn't pulled me aside and basically asked me to. I never would've considered it. And now they're having problems because I did what they asked and got the job and those left behind can't handle it. I wonder if they regret it at all. Or if they will in the future. 

9:00 am. GC is out again. Hmmm. Back I go. I'm not used to feeling smug--it took me a minute to figure out what the feeling was. 

1:00 pm. The more I work today, the more I remember that I hoped for more to do in the new job. I'm fast running out of things to do because I'm too good at the job! My current plan is to find busy work that will maybe help GC with the job when he's no longer home sick. Though parts of me are almost hoping he quits. I don't know why, I think part of me wants the comfort of my old job instead of the scary mostly-unknown of the new.

Evening. I get really tired after work for some reason, and then I pick up around six only to crash again around 9 or 10. Roommate 2 thinks I should see someone about my thyroid.

And dance was great. We have a performance next week, so if anyone's in Salt Lake and going to the Living Traditions thing, we'll be there.

Today was a really great reminder of why I switched jobs. Hopefully tomorrow I can finally move on to the next stage of my life.

Oh, and if anyone needs a new book boyfriend, might I suggest Nalini Singh's Rebel Hard? I sped through it within 24 hours, and the hero... *swoons* Plus, it's in the perspective of New Zealand Indian culture, which is so cool! I loved it.

Daily Blog 1

This is inspired by avwrypottermormon's osrr tag on Tumblr. I need to be accountable to someone, so... I guess you're it. Not that I expect anyone to read this, and if you know me irl you probably shouldn't unless you want to know a lot more than pretty much anyone gets to see. This first post is, first and foremost, a pledge to be completely honest and hide nothing, because I hide too much.

So I'm starting with yesterday. This week I moved departments at my company. Not gonna lie, it's been stressful. I'm going from data entry with other things thrown in to being on the phone with insureds, and phone calls give me anxiety. My Boss's Boss (hereafter known as BB) stopped by Tuesday to see how I was doing (he was my boss before he moved up in the world, and his personality is such that our relationship is different from most boss/employees.) I remember I just looked at him and he was like, "Nevermind." And went away. So new job, maybe a bad idea. Mostly I want the paycheck. Anyway, yesterday the person who took over part of my job (they split it between two people) called in sick. I was asked to step in and clean up everything from my tasks that he hadn't done. His desk was..... Wow. I keep my desk at work as orderly as I possibly can, to the point that Former Boss (FB, different from BB) asked me to get rid of some of my organizing shelves. GC's (the person who replaced me) desk? Paper everywhere. Checks in a pile, mail here and there. My chest tightens just thinking about it. 

I go in and do what I've done for over two years and it's so easy. It's like breathing. Everything makes sense, everything has a spot. I miss my old job and I only stopped doing it Friday. Even better, part of the job necessitates interaction with people in another department, and they told me they missed working with me after two days. That the person who replaced me is rude and snapped at not only them, but the girl who brings the mail. They said they just about threw a party when they heard I'd be doing the task yesterday because I'm so reliable and personable. It absolutely made my day. 

In other news, the government is threatening to seize property or right to property because I owe $200 in taxes from last year. I wonder if they realize I haven't paid it because I literally don't have the money. Rude. More than rude. But still not a bad day. 

End part 1.

Writing

I've decided that all my story clips, ideas, and short stories will be posted here.

For once, life is good

It feels so weird to say that. Most of my posts on here are sad and gloomy, and right now I don't feel that. Sure, I have homework to do and a test to finish and blah blah blah, but it's not stressing me. And I occasionally beat myself up about the reason. Sort of. It's complex. I know, I know, now I have to explain.

Well, on September 9th, roughly two weeks ago now, I had a seizure at the Institute between classes. Needless to say it freaked a lot of people out. I'm alright, I haven't had another one. I've been getting tests done and the doctor wants me to see a neurologist. I understand that we need to figure out what's going on, I do. My parents need to know so that they can worry about me less--not that they'll worry that much less, but still. But I came to a decision later that day. I don't want worry for my health and whether or not it'll happen again to get in the way of me living my life. So I haven't.

Needless to say this leads in a roundabout way to why I've been so happy lately. I'm getting stuff done. I haven't missed homework assignments, I work hard at work, I've made friends on campus and at the Institute. I'm involved in so much stuff, and I keep forgetting and adding more, like last week when I helped out for like 8 hours at the Weber State marching band review. It was long, but I don't regret it. It got me out of the house and I made a new friend. Not a close friend, but still. I've made new friends in Choralaires this year simply from being in the presidency. And I'm getting to know a lot of people, including a guy. Yes, a guy. After all my posts on how dumb guys are and dating sucks. It maybe sucks a little less. Because I'm learning to trust in the Lord's timing.  Besides, I didn't realize I was interested in this guy till a few days ago. I just thought of him as someone I was getting to know as a friend.

Last Saturday was the homecoming dance, and when Kaylee found out it was a masquerade, boy did she want to go. I did too, as did Kelly. So instead of going stag or waiting for a guy to ask, we asked. And I asked Doug, this guy I've been spending increasing amounts of my downtime on campus with. I don't know when I realized I was interested. I just know that all that night I wanted to stay by him. He made me laugh so hard and often that night, I don't know how long it's been since I laughed like that. Laughed so hard I almost sat down, or cried. He made me feel feminine without being pushy or overbearing. He just did it--opened car and house doors for me, helped me down steps, even to the point of  putting my arm through his when we were walking anywhere (at least while I was in my dress). Also, he would notice a need and fill it, whether it was getting me a drink or helping the caterer change the water jug. He just stepped in to make it easier for someone else. And he can dance. He was teaching me swing dance at one point and I swear I split my face in half I was grinning so much. Looking back on that night, he showed me things I hadn't even realized I wanted in a husband. He's always making me laugh, or smile, like when he raced me down the hall yesterday (Kaylee says he was flirting). And I really like the smell of his cologne.

It's not even that there's this amazing guy that I'm interested in who might be interested in me that makes me happy. I had a lot of fun that night. I can honestly say that it's in my top two dates (out of less than ten, that's not hard, but still, it counts). I spent time laughing with people I get along with well, and I felt my emotions and the spirit all jumbled together in a ginormous pile of happy simply because I had more confidence in me. I think that's the biggest thing. Because I asked him and didn't get rejected, and he doesn't avoid me now, and I'm taking charge of my life and getting things done, figuring things out. I'm not sitting on the sidelines anymore, and it feels... I don't know if there are words to describe just how wonderful and amazing and fantastic it feels to actually feel like I'm alive and I deserve to be happy. And I know it's because of where I've put my trust-- I know it's because he's leading me to places that will continue to make me happy. This giddy delight I feel now is just the tip of the iceberg that I will have in the long run, as long as I continue to trust him and do as he wants and needs me to do. I'm still working on making myself better, and he understands that. But he can also use me in my imperfect state. He loves me in this wholly imperfect state. And there's no way I can stay sad for long when I remember that. So I've been happy for days and I hope I can stay that way for a long, long time, no matter what comes my way. I'm not alone, like I thought I was. I never have been.