Daily Blog 2

Gosh, I hope my trainer takes me off the leash today. I don't mind being on training wheels, but coming into work just to search for something to do is frustrating. It makes me want to stay home so at least I don't feel like I'm getting paid unfairly.

8:31-GC still isn't here. He's usually here by 7/7:30. Wonder if they'll have me do stuff again if he doesn't show. Wonder if they'll ask me to do his job/part of my old job if he quits. Is it bad that part of me hopes he quits, just to stick it to them? After all, I wouldn't have applied for new job if BB and FB hadn't pulled me aside and basically asked me to. I never would've considered it. And now they're having problems because I did what they asked and got the job and those left behind can't handle it. I wonder if they regret it at all. Or if they will in the future. 

9:00 am. GC is out again. Hmmm. Back I go. I'm not used to feeling smug--it took me a minute to figure out what the feeling was. 

1:00 pm. The more I work today, the more I remember that I hoped for more to do in the new job. I'm fast running out of things to do because I'm too good at the job! My current plan is to find busy work that will maybe help GC with the job when he's no longer home sick. Though parts of me are almost hoping he quits. I don't know why, I think part of me wants the comfort of my old job instead of the scary mostly-unknown of the new.

Evening. I get really tired after work for some reason, and then I pick up around six only to crash again around 9 or 10. Roommate 2 thinks I should see someone about my thyroid.

And dance was great. We have a performance next week, so if anyone's in Salt Lake and going to the Living Traditions thing, we'll be there.

Today was a really great reminder of why I switched jobs. Hopefully tomorrow I can finally move on to the next stage of my life.

Oh, and if anyone needs a new book boyfriend, might I suggest Nalini Singh's Rebel Hard? I sped through it within 24 hours, and the hero... *swoons* Plus, it's in the perspective of New Zealand Indian culture, which is so cool! I loved it.

Daily Blog 1

This is inspired by avwrypottermormon's osrr tag on Tumblr. I need to be accountable to someone, so... I guess you're it. Not that I expect anyone to read this, and if you know me irl you probably shouldn't unless you want to know a lot more than pretty much anyone gets to see. This first post is, first and foremost, a pledge to be completely honest and hide nothing, because I hide too much.

So I'm starting with yesterday. This week I moved departments at my company. Not gonna lie, it's been stressful. I'm going from data entry with other things thrown in to being on the phone with insureds, and phone calls give me anxiety. My Boss's Boss (hereafter known as BB) stopped by Tuesday to see how I was doing (he was my boss before he moved up in the world, and his personality is such that our relationship is different from most boss/employees.) I remember I just looked at him and he was like, "Nevermind." And went away. So new job, maybe a bad idea. Mostly I want the paycheck. Anyway, yesterday the person who took over part of my job (they split it between two people) called in sick. I was asked to step in and clean up everything from my tasks that he hadn't done. His desk was..... Wow. I keep my desk at work as orderly as I possibly can, to the point that Former Boss (FB, different from BB) asked me to get rid of some of my organizing shelves. GC's (the person who replaced me) desk? Paper everywhere. Checks in a pile, mail here and there. My chest tightens just thinking about it. 

I go in and do what I've done for over two years and it's so easy. It's like breathing. Everything makes sense, everything has a spot. I miss my old job and I only stopped doing it Friday. Even better, part of the job necessitates interaction with people in another department, and they told me they missed working with me after two days. That the person who replaced me is rude and snapped at not only them, but the girl who brings the mail. They said they just about threw a party when they heard I'd be doing the task yesterday because I'm so reliable and personable. It absolutely made my day. 

In other news, the government is threatening to seize property or right to property because I owe $200 in taxes from last year. I wonder if they realize I haven't paid it because I literally don't have the money. Rude. More than rude. But still not a bad day. 

End part 1.

Writing

I've decided that all my story clips, ideas, and short stories will be posted here.

For once, life is good

It feels so weird to say that. Most of my posts on here are sad and gloomy, and right now I don't feel that. Sure, I have homework to do and a test to finish and blah blah blah, but it's not stressing me. And I occasionally beat myself up about the reason. Sort of. It's complex. I know, I know, now I have to explain.

Well, on September 9th, roughly two weeks ago now, I had a seizure at the Institute between classes. Needless to say it freaked a lot of people out. I'm alright, I haven't had another one. I've been getting tests done and the doctor wants me to see a neurologist. I understand that we need to figure out what's going on, I do. My parents need to know so that they can worry about me less--not that they'll worry that much less, but still. But I came to a decision later that day. I don't want worry for my health and whether or not it'll happen again to get in the way of me living my life. So I haven't.

Needless to say this leads in a roundabout way to why I've been so happy lately. I'm getting stuff done. I haven't missed homework assignments, I work hard at work, I've made friends on campus and at the Institute. I'm involved in so much stuff, and I keep forgetting and adding more, like last week when I helped out for like 8 hours at the Weber State marching band review. It was long, but I don't regret it. It got me out of the house and I made a new friend. Not a close friend, but still. I've made new friends in Choralaires this year simply from being in the presidency. And I'm getting to know a lot of people, including a guy. Yes, a guy. After all my posts on how dumb guys are and dating sucks. It maybe sucks a little less. Because I'm learning to trust in the Lord's timing.  Besides, I didn't realize I was interested in this guy till a few days ago. I just thought of him as someone I was getting to know as a friend.

Last Saturday was the homecoming dance, and when Kaylee found out it was a masquerade, boy did she want to go. I did too, as did Kelly. So instead of going stag or waiting for a guy to ask, we asked. And I asked Doug, this guy I've been spending increasing amounts of my downtime on campus with. I don't know when I realized I was interested. I just know that all that night I wanted to stay by him. He made me laugh so hard and often that night, I don't know how long it's been since I laughed like that. Laughed so hard I almost sat down, or cried. He made me feel feminine without being pushy or overbearing. He just did it--opened car and house doors for me, helped me down steps, even to the point of  putting my arm through his when we were walking anywhere (at least while I was in my dress). Also, he would notice a need and fill it, whether it was getting me a drink or helping the caterer change the water jug. He just stepped in to make it easier for someone else. And he can dance. He was teaching me swing dance at one point and I swear I split my face in half I was grinning so much. Looking back on that night, he showed me things I hadn't even realized I wanted in a husband. He's always making me laugh, or smile, like when he raced me down the hall yesterday (Kaylee says he was flirting). And I really like the smell of his cologne.

It's not even that there's this amazing guy that I'm interested in who might be interested in me that makes me happy. I had a lot of fun that night. I can honestly say that it's in my top two dates (out of less than ten, that's not hard, but still, it counts). I spent time laughing with people I get along with well, and I felt my emotions and the spirit all jumbled together in a ginormous pile of happy simply because I had more confidence in me. I think that's the biggest thing. Because I asked him and didn't get rejected, and he doesn't avoid me now, and I'm taking charge of my life and getting things done, figuring things out. I'm not sitting on the sidelines anymore, and it feels... I don't know if there are words to describe just how wonderful and amazing and fantastic it feels to actually feel like I'm alive and I deserve to be happy. And I know it's because of where I've put my trust-- I know it's because he's leading me to places that will continue to make me happy. This giddy delight I feel now is just the tip of the iceberg that I will have in the long run, as long as I continue to trust him and do as he wants and needs me to do. I'm still working on making myself better, and he understands that. But he can also use me in my imperfect state. He loves me in this wholly imperfect state. And there's no way I can stay sad for long when I remember that. So I've been happy for days and I hope I can stay that way for a long, long time, no matter what comes my way. I'm not alone, like I thought I was. I never have been.

On Dating

I've come to a realization lately about dating. It sucks. Guys these days seem to expect girls to be forward and out there, and I can't do that. I expect the guy to take a chance and ask, not make me put myself out there (where, let's be honest, I'm far more likely to be rejected than him) just to see if he's even interested! Then there's the whole discrepancy between the speed the world wants your relationship to go, the speed you want it to go, his speed, and your parents' speed. Now, when I had a boyfriend last year, his speed was LUDICROUS SPEED (Don't know what I'm quoting? Watch this movie). No offense to him, I just needed it a lot slower. Like a walk. Or an amble.
Not only do people in the world expect your relationship to go superman fast, they also expect you to do everything. I don't know about most people, but my beliefs and personal feelings about it are this: lust is natural, but love is better. So why try out lust when you can wait for love and never miss anything? Plus, not only does my religion prefer you to be married, it's safer that way in this day and time. At least if you're married, the guy is legally obligated to stick around if you get pregnant, or hurt. It just makes more sense to wait for marriage. On that note, I've decided to include kissing in the "off-limits" category while dating. Then I don't have to worry about when it's okay for him to kiss me or me to kiss him--it's always "no" until I'm at least engaged to him.
Yes, my dating experience is minimal at best (pretty much non-existent if you're feeling mean), but I've learned a lot from watching people around me. For instance, I've learned that without communication, the relationship dies. Also, things need to be spelled out to the point where there is no chance that you misunderstood. At all. Period, exclamation point. I've learned that it's best to go slow. A lot of relationships that go too far too fast end in misery for one or both parties. Take time to get to know the other person around other people before you start seriously dating. If you're good friends, you'll have more to talk about on the date and be more comfortable in the other person's company, whether it's just the two of you or if you're in a group.
Okay, enough of the serious talk. I just want to end with a funny experience in my apartment. One day, my best friend here (she's like my twin, we're so alike in some ways) said, "I wonder what it would've been like if I'd been born a boy." Due to preoccupation, my brain to mouth filter was not on and I replied, "Hmm, I probably would've married you." Several days later, I was looking at my hair in the sunshine and saw that my natural red highlights were coming out. Delighted, I called, "Crystal, my red is showing!" (she has fairly red hair)She replied, "I take it as a sign." I paused. "A sign of what?" "That we were meant to be together." Shortly after that, she put her debit card in my care to get gas for her. I promptly forgot to give it back before I went to Idaho for the better part of a week. Apparently, we're not even meant to be more than 100 miles from one another--that's the second time I took something of hers with me to Idaho.

Here we go again

I got an email from my dad this morning that I'd been expecting, but still...
Chet died Sunday night. And I know we've been expecting it for almost two months and he's been getting ready to go for years, but...He's one of the two grandpas I can really remember. I don't remember a lot about Grandpa Kevin or Oscar because I was so young when they died, and Chet just stepped in. He treated us like family, like we really were his grandkids, even though we're not blood-kin. There are so many times he stepped in to try and help us through, like when he told Grandma to give me money for my Europe trip and they made me work for it. It meant so much more because of that. If they hadn't had me work for that money, I probably would've been like half the other kids on the trip who had the money handed to them and were told, "Go have fun, and bring me back a souvenir."
I don't think people realize how special it is that he just accepted us like that. Some of his kids and grandkids had a really hard time with it, and for him it was like it was as easy as breathing. That doesn't mean we always got along. I remember being almost scared of Chet for quite a while as a kid. But...he was "Grandpa Chet" in my head, even when I just said "Chet" out loud.
It seems kind of surreal, because I'm in Utah and I'm not there. It's almost like I'll get home and there he'll be, sitting in his big easy chair watching football or some random Hallmark Channel movie that I've never even heard of before. But in my head I know that-that won't happen. He's not going to be there, and I'm going to be going to his funeral. A week, and he'll be gone from my life. Yet I feel as if he's right here, telling me that I'm going to be all right, and so is everyone else. It'll just take time. Time I don't have, that I need for other things.
What will Taiya and Amber say if I tell them I didn't write anything on the novel this week because my grandpa died? For some reason I wonder if they'll believe me.
Anyway, as a result, my theme song for the day is "Missing You" from A Very Potter Musical. Without being taken at face value and without listening closely to the words...

Bye Chet. I hope you know that even though I've never said it, I do love you. Look out for Grandma, will you?

Online Bubble Wrap

This is the second website I've found with this, but I think I like this one best. The website is www.virtual-bubblewrap.com and here's a sample.