It feels so weird to say that. Most of my posts on here are sad and gloomy, and right now I don't feel that. Sure, I have homework to do and a test to finish and blah blah blah, but it's not stressing me. And I occasionally beat myself up about the reason. Sort of. It's complex. I know, I know, now I have to explain.
Well, on September 9th, roughly two weeks ago now, I had a seizure at the Institute between classes. Needless to say it freaked a lot of people out. I'm alright, I haven't had another one. I've been getting tests done and the doctor wants me to see a neurologist. I understand that we need to figure out what's going on, I do. My parents need to know so that they can worry about me less--not that they'll worry that much less, but still. But I came to a decision later that day. I don't want worry for my health and whether or not it'll happen again to get in the way of me living my life. So I haven't.
Needless to say this leads in a roundabout way to why I've been so happy lately. I'm getting stuff done. I haven't missed homework assignments, I work hard at work, I've made friends on campus and at the Institute. I'm involved in so much stuff, and I keep forgetting and adding more, like last week when I helped out for like 8 hours at the Weber State marching band review. It was long, but I don't regret it. It got me out of the house and I made a new friend. Not a close friend, but still. I've made new friends in Choralaires this year simply from being in the presidency. And I'm getting to know a lot of people, including a guy. Yes, a guy. After all my posts on how dumb guys are and dating sucks. It maybe sucks a little less. Because I'm learning to trust in the Lord's timing. Besides, I didn't realize I was interested in this guy till a few days ago. I just thought of him as someone I was getting to know as a friend.
Last Saturday was the homecoming dance, and when Kaylee found out it was a masquerade, boy did she want to go. I did too, as did Kelly. So instead of going stag or waiting for a guy to ask, we asked. And I asked Doug, this guy I've been spending increasing amounts of my downtime on campus with. I don't know when I realized I was interested. I just know that all that night I wanted to stay by him. He made me laugh so hard and often that night, I don't know how long it's been since I laughed like that. Laughed so hard I almost sat down, or cried. He made me feel feminine without being pushy or overbearing. He just did it--opened car and house doors for me, helped me down steps, even to the point of putting my arm through his when we were walking anywhere (at least while I was in my dress). Also, he would notice a need and fill it, whether it was getting me a drink or helping the caterer change the water jug. He just stepped in to make it easier for someone else. And he can dance. He was teaching me swing dance at one point and I swear I split my face in half I was grinning so much. Looking back on that night, he showed me things I hadn't even realized I wanted in a husband. He's always making me laugh, or smile, like when he raced me down the hall yesterday (Kaylee says he was flirting). And I really like the smell of his cologne.
It's not even that there's this amazing guy that I'm interested in who might be interested in me that makes me happy. I had a lot of fun that night. I can honestly say that it's in my top two dates (out of less than ten, that's not hard, but still, it counts). I spent time laughing with people I get along with well, and I felt my emotions and the spirit all jumbled together in a ginormous pile of happy simply because I had more confidence in me. I think that's the biggest thing. Because I asked him and didn't get rejected, and he doesn't avoid me now, and I'm taking charge of my life and getting things done, figuring things out. I'm not sitting on the sidelines anymore, and it feels... I don't know if there are words to describe just how wonderful and amazing and fantastic it feels to actually feel like I'm alive and I deserve to be happy. And I know it's because of where I've put my trust-- I know it's because he's leading me to places that will continue to make me happy. This giddy delight I feel now is just the tip of the iceberg that I will have in the long run, as long as I continue to trust him and do as he wants and needs me to do. I'm still working on making myself better, and he understands that. But he can also use me in my imperfect state. He loves me in this wholly imperfect state. And there's no way I can stay sad for long when I remember that. So I've been happy for days and I hope I can stay that way for a long, long time, no matter what comes my way. I'm not alone, like I thought I was. I never have been.
